Friday, May 6, 2011
Hairless Chihuahua's, Unicorns and the Battering of the Male Ego...
Just got my latest issue of Runner’s World, and the cover shot has inspired me to write about a great hoax that has been become more and more present in the media. The absurdity is along the same lines as the improper body image promoted by paper thin fashion models living on cigarettes and rice cakes, barely able to even stand up on their own stick figure legs and starlets whose ageless faces and body proportions are not physically possible without medical assistance and an overflowing bag of polymer.
I’m speaking of course about the pop culture phenomenon (and unicorn like reality) better known as the hairless male.
Now I’m not advocating a completely, 'unattended-to' look. No one here is advocating the Chuck Norris fully Yeti body suit (circa Return of the Dragon), or the unkempt eyebrows of Earnest Borgnine. Tim Gunn routinely points out that all men should attend to some level of personal grooming because for god’s sake – you’re an *animal*.
And I let the Abercrombie & Fitch billboards adorning the mall store windows slide, because let’s be real: those guys haven’t yet entered puberty, in the same way that most Victoria Secret models have not yet celebrated a birthday that didn’t include a Disney cartoon themed cake, nor given birth, nor by the looks of it ever eaten a meal that included anything more substantial than ½ a carrot stick and a few extra gulps of air.
But I draw the line when I see a guy in his late 20’s to early 30’s, with thick black wavy hair, bushy eyebrows, and absolutely NO body hair what so ever…. Well – at least as visible in a pair of running shorts and shoes, which as far as I shudder to speculate. And with stats like “He runs 25 miles per week and is hoping to run his first marathon soon” – it’s clear that it’s not his running stats that landed him on the cover.
And ladies – I get it. You are absolutely right in pointing out that long ago you lost the right to let nature rule when it comes to your armpits, legs and eyebrows. But we’re talking about a whole lot more real estate here. I mean - we’re guys. We’re covered with hair. These male models are missing more than leg and armpit hair.
They look like a Chihuahua that fell into the concentrated vat at the Nair factory.
And another thing ladies - we guys are not genetically built for the pain of waxing. C’mon, you’ve seen us when we have a mild cold. We have no natural defense mechanisms. We’re not supposed to even flinch during a waxing session – let alone sob uncontrollably. Yes, I haven’t personally gone through a waxing session, but…..I do understand the basic principle behind waxing and I’ve experienced pulling a band-aid off – I can pretty much extrapolate from there. Forget water-boarding – I’d give up my ATM PIN and admit that I’m the major culprit of not replacing the empty toilet paper roll before the wax even got to room temperature!
So for god’s sake, let’s stop glorifying the fictitious hairless male. Frankly, our egos can’t compete with that. We're still getting over the fact that none of us can EVER look like Brad Pitt in Fight Club... In fact, I'm pretty convinced that Brad Pitt can't even look like Brad Pitt in Fight Club (but that might just my defense mechanisms kicking in).
And finally ladies - one final appeal to your selfish side: do you really want to find yourselves waiting in line behind a bunch of sweaty, hairy Chewbacca like neanderthals, reeking of Polo and Lagerfeld the next time you show up for your waxing appointment? - I'm just sayin'....