Thursday, July 4, 2013

And Now for Something - Completely Different

Not sports related, but a story that was interesting enough to share.

Apparently, the USDA has implemented regulations and are following up with an 8 page letter to a magician instructing him that his rabbit license necessitates having a disaster recovery plan in place for what to do with the rabbit before, during and after a potential disaster strikes. I'm not making this stuff up.

As a follow-up, I was able to obtain a copy of the response and associated Disaster Plan. (ok - this part I *did* make up). Enjoy:

Source: Obtained magically of course out of thin air.

------------------------------- attached -----------------------------------------

Dear USDA,

Please find attached one 'Disaster Recovery Plan' for aforementioned bunny.

Please note that said rabbit is indeed magical, as thousands of grade school level children can attest. I have no doubt that your colleagues at the NSA are already monitoring the children's eMail, cell phones and social network sites and have sufficient evidence - making further deposition of those children completely unnecessary. Of course I anticipate you spending another few million dollars doing it anyway.


First - Assess disaster and assign formal government Disaster Classification code as follows:

Code GREEN: All is well. Continue feeding Floppy carrots and greens

Code YELLOW: Something, somewhere is amiss.
  • Continuously watch CNN or MSNBC for 24x7 updates on details of disaster such as wild speculation of causes, interviews with the third cousin of someone that once shared a bus ride with someone that experienced a disaster that was mildly similar, and therefore has completely irrelevant insights to share, video of 'disaster looking, nasty stuff by reporters that stand in the middle of disaster and offer important (and painfully obvious) safety tips for staying safe... things like, "stay indoors".
  • Post useless drivel constantly to Facebook and Twitter such as: "thoughts go out to victims", "watching now, how terrible" and of course Instagram of current meal. All these things are important and help. 
  • Do not let Floppy watch - he won't want to anyway.... 'cuz he's a bunny.
Code RED: Aside from all assurances, things have gone sideways. DISASTER is upon you. Can be ascertained by the following criteria:
  1. Locusts are descending
  2. The walls of your local place of worship* start to bleed. *Note that for most of you heathens, your local place of worship is likely your neighborhood sports bar or nearest IKEA
  3. God interrupts CNN/MSNBC broadcasts to say he's really "..quite pissed and has had enough of you ingrates"
  4. You hear the name Gozer the Gozerian - the Time Traveler or see sight of a giant Stay Puff Marshmallow man looking incredibly torqued off, laughing manically and stepping on churches.
  5. Facebook is offline (or Twitter actually starts working consistently)
  6. People start using MySpace again, Windows 8 or Blackberrys
  7. Amazon posts that it might take more than 2 days to ship your order... perhaps "more like eternity"... but assures you that your credit card will only be charged once your order actually ships.
  8. Starbucks is closed
Come to think of it, the closure of Starbucks (#8)  really is your best indicator. It's more reliable than the disaster siren you hear once in a while since in a real disaster, operators of the siren are going to say, "screw this - I'm not hanging around to ring the siren". Plus, unlike warning sirens, there is Starbucks on every corner - and if there's not, then you're pretty much been screwed over for a while now.

  1. Place inverted top hat on table. Brown derby will do in a pinch. Baseball cap is not an acceptable alternative. Dew rags are 'right out' and should not be used.
  2. Calmly put Floppy the Bunny in hat.
  3. Wave wand and shout "ALAKAZAM" - gesture mysteriously.
Bunny will vanish to 'magical safety zone'. To retrieve after disaster has subsided, simply execute the above again, deleting step 2 and adding step 4: "Remove bunny from hat"

As for magician - hopefully you have large magical vanishing box handy.

Otherwise, batten down the hatches and load magical wand with really nasty incantations (this is limited to 10 spells in California and per recently passed legislation - no more than 15 in Colorado). Renounce your atheism (as the rest of your new age hippy nonsense friends are most likely also doing), and wait patiently for Gozer to arrive.

Here's a picture of the bastard.
Note that in this circumstance, you do not need to ensure he crosses threshold before unloading Abracadabra on his sorry bum as he has already 'made your day'. It goes without saying that if another magician is present, please remember to NOT cross the streams as this will result in 'all life as you know it ending and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light".

Hopefully the above meets with your approval.


Marty Hahne - The Great

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